After so many years in recovery I can still ignore everything I have painfully learned:
I know that I can't eat Chinese food, that it makes me, if not today then tomorrow, struggle with food. A very dear member of my writers' group was there for the last time today (the emotional component of the drama enfolding). After the session someone suggested spontaneously to go to a Chinese restaurant together.
I said, "I can't do Chinese food, but I can have a cup of green tea with you." On the very short way to the place to eat my mind just went. I dismissed my sandwich that was being carried around in my rucksack. I would just eat with them, I'd be alright. This time I'd be alright.
I ate, and during the meal and afterwards I felt totally oversugared. The sweet taste was sitting on my tongue! I didn't even like the meal, but the company was fantastic! We had lots of fun. But I should've stuck to tea and eaten my lovely hummus and roasted veg sandwich, home-made, afterwards.
After this sugar shock I thought I was fine! However, just off the bus at home I needed to do some planned shopping. In the shop I added raspberries, a pot of double cream and a cheese-bread-stick to regular shopping, to the bananas, broccoli etc.
Of course there was no way that I'd call another OA member or even my sponsor. The minute I've made that kind of crazy purchase, I am off.
I ate the lot at home, tasteless raspberries with cream (don't try it, it's horrible!) and the bread stick with lots of butter.
I just hope and pray that this is it!
I do need to take my physical allergy to sugar seriously!!!
This is crazy: I want to say that one essential part of my recovery is going to bed on time. That is not crazy in itself, but the crazy bit is that I am writing this as I am 25 mins beyond my personal 'curfew'! (With 'going to bed' I mean: retiring to bathroom and bedroom and getting myself ready for the night).
I have been struggling with going to bed on time and getting up early in the past few days! And, boy, does it affect my sanity! Going to bed on time means also being ready to sleep, tucked up in bed, and taking a moment to connect with my Higher Power. Getting up early in the morning, about 7am, is my ideal, means that I have time to do my programme work, readings, prayer, food planning, a quick meditation.
Most of the time I am preventing myself from using this wonderful tool by watching TV, doing my e-mails, checking Facebook and, as right now, writing my blog.
And when I don't stick to these things that are good for me I give myself a hard time! This morning I got up really late, past 9am; only had a late appointment and was very tired, had not slept well. But because of the lack of spare time I only managed to do a quick food plan, that was it.
The other thing is that I get depressed when I get up too late. I think anything after getting up at 8am is really not good for my emotional wellbeing. Had an awful day today until I went to the park after my appointment and sat in the sun and walked.
Am grateful that the depressed state did not lead to eating more today!
Here I am, sitting at my computer, feeling fat. I AM fat, or am I not? The truth is that I do not know. I honestly do not know.
The problem is, I have been slipping from time to time over the past few months, and I also have a total block regarding exercise! It is unbelievable! Anything that I resolve to do for myself I can't do! I can't eat at the table, instead balance full plates on my knees in front of the telly. Even my prayer that I may eat like a lady, at the table, is not honest. I am saying to my Higher Power, 'but let me please have breakfast in front of the telly, at least this morning', and then I end up eating other meals there, too.
I have never, ever in my life had a 'crap meal', a binge eg. while eating at the table!
But whenever I focus on something, the rebel in me raises her head, and I can't do it! I am powerless!
I have a cold, sore throat and runny nose. On my way home last night I felt exhausted and unwell, and you may identify with the thoughts that were going through my head: 'You can have an Indian takeaway, you don't have to bother with cooking your planned meal, just take it easy.' The illness speaking. I am saying that because for me it is very, very dodgy to make sudden food decisions like this. The ugly truth is that I just wanted a warm, very full belly, and NOW!
Yes, it might have burnt some germs in my throat, but it might also have blown my very stable abstinence away. Thank God I remembered that my food sponsor has warned me against having takeaways on my own, not in a situation where having it would serve social purposes and life. So I dragged myself home and cooked my own meal, and it was fine, I enjoyed it.
I thought I'd go 'public', in case I can help anyone, maybe create a forum of people who'd like to comment and learn from each other?
I have been in recovery for a long time: In the summer it'll be 25 years. I joined Overeaters Anonymous in 1985 in Munich, Germany. Since 1991 I have been a member in London, UK.
My recovery has been a rocky path at times, but at the moment I am crossing a valley full of fruit trees - reaping the fruits of my perseverance and work.
Not that it is easy all the time! Tonight I was having my dinner, sitting at the table, and I wanted to read something that I'd put next to my place mat. I had a quick look through it and decided then that this is not what recovery should be like. I am meant to 'eat like a lady', be present to my food. I had a lovely meal of couscous, falafel with a bit of yoghurt on the side and stir-fried carrot, leek and tomato, followed by some pieces of fresh pineapple, again with some yoghurt.
Nowadays I ask my Higher Power (a Power greater than myself, the God of my understanding, in my case a loving force that always wants my best and supports me in everything) to guide my hand when I put the food into a pan or onto my plate. Measuring and weighing ended up me using my plan of eating as a diet, my 'natural' tendency.
You could say, what, after 25 years in recovery she still has her struggles? Yes, at the moment I am focussing on behaviours around food. Wanting to read, watching the telly, not eating at the table, licking the lid of the yoghurt pot (that did not even occur to me today!), eating the end of a carrot that I have just grated etc. No, this is not finicky, it does matter: My experience is that the cleaner my food is the clearer my head and my boundaries. That is very evident to me.
I leave it at that for today. I will now take some quiet time, write my food diary and say a little prayer, and then it is off to bed. That is another thing I discovered: Going to bed on time really helps with my recovery, keeps me balanced and fit.
Am looking forward to my pre-heated bed and a few pages of reading.