Calm

Hi,
Here I am again, and it is amazing how different I feel after 7 days of working step 1 and today step 2 in OA and following the particular food plan my sponsor suggested and that I'm still keeping secret because it's not the food plan alone that has changed things.  It's just a tool, and I've only agreed to do it for 1 month, and then we'll see what works FOR ME.  I was in a panic before, I could watch myself getting fatter and fatter, inch by inch, and was worried about my health, my looks and my sanity. 

The difference is extraordinary:  For about three days now I've been CALM, I don't feel like a fat monster anymore, even though I can't have lost a lot of weight.  I think better about myself, too.  Miraculous increase in self-esteem that I experience whenever I'm abstinent from compulsive overeating.  I'm so grateful!!!  Yesterday morning I even thought, 'If I'll have to stay like this that's fine', even though I'm clearly overweight with a body mass index of 31 and hope to lose weight, of course.

It's an absolute miracle that I can do a food plan right now, and I even find it easy, apart from the
odd panic about how I'm going to eat according to the plan during a weekend workshop with shared cooking etc.  The fact that I'm able to eat like this teaches me that it's important in recovery to keep an open mind.  I have failed with food plans in the past and announced for years that 'I can't do food plans.'  But it's the Programme, that works, not the plan!

Sabilon

PS:  I found a little cartoon that sums me up.  Forgive the bad language, please.  I thought it might be fun.

Not 'between the chairs' anymore

In my language we say that someone is sitting between two chairs, if they can't make up their mind.  That was me today, and you see the result above... 

To show you what I mean, I give you a link here to my second blog:
http://fedandup.blogspot.co.uk/

What a day!

The lastest news is that I'm recommitting to my Overeaters Anonymous Programme! 

I will work with a new sponsor, rang her earlier, an old recovery friend whose freedom from food obsession I love and want for myself.  Provided that my doctor agrees, I'll know that tomorrow, I will start on a particular food plan, and do you know what?  I'm not going to tell you which food plan it is because it's not about the food plan, the food plan is not and will not be my God (hopefully!!!)!  God save me from showing off with weight loss results and how my food plan is the right one!  You see, I haven't even started, and I 'm thinking about these things.

I embrace OA unity, our amazing diversity, all our unique paths to and in recovery!

If I'm honest, I'm desperate to lose the weight I've gained over the past few years and particularly recently through frequent sweets binges.  I've watched myself grow - fatter and fatter!  It isn't about the weight and it is.  I'd be lying if I said it isn't.  But it's also sanity I want, peace, being at ease with myself, others and food.

'God help us all', as my sponsor in another fellowship says...

Can't let you (and myself?) down!

Dear Readers,

I haven't looked at my blog for ages, and I wasn't aware that I have ten followers!
Am so sorry that I let it dry out...  news desert...

Right now I'm thinking about my recovery.  I've let go of a sponsor I've had:
Do I need someone who makes me feel bad about myself?   NO!
Do I need someone who is critical?                                        NO!
Someone who tells me that I'm dishonest?                             NO!
Someone who treats me with respect and love?                     YES!

I realize, that with some of my sponsor-relationships I've recreated the relationship with my mother.  Could my mother help me?                                                     NO!
Did she, bless her, make things worse?                                   YES!

I've disrespected and hated my body for so long, and at the moment it is really bad.  I've had relapses not only recently, and I 've gained so much weight!  Am about 4 kg away from 100kg, and my highest weight ever used to be 107kg.  I just wished I could get away from using food like a drug, from numbing myself with it, from fretting about my eating rather than just get on with my life!

I feel and am totally powerless over my eating, that is clear.

I haven't left OA, but I need a new way to make it work for me.

I would appreciate your comments.

I've just signed up for a website on intuitive eating bec. I think I want to treat myself differently.  I know one limit, though:  I cannot handle sweets at all.  Have tried that many times, for decades, it DOES NOT WORK FOR ME!

I could easily swing to thinking I need to do a diet, or the OA HOW food plan.  But deep down I know that that isn't the right path for me.  Plus, I can't do these things long-term.

I want to find myself, my own needs, my path.

I wish you all well!  Please get in touch!

Technophobe is struggling...

Hi All,

I am struggling with this blog! I am not allowed to comment on comments anymore. Sorry about that. Does anyone know why that is or what I can do?

Jimee, if you are looking for help from Overeaters Anonymous, their main website is www.oa.org . There you find all the meetings and a lot of other inspirational help.

Lots of love to my followers!

Sabilon

Reply to Jahir's comment

Hi, Jahir, have to reply in a post bec. of technology problems.

Am glad that you find some of the things in my blog helpful.

Here is my reply to your comment:

Hi Jahir, Am not aware of English group in Munich. But there is the English Language Service Board that covers the German-speaking countries. Their e-mail is oar9elsb@yahoo.com . I hope they can find something for you. When I went to OA in Munich many years ago we'd sometimes have foreign visitors who asked whether they could share in English. Many Germans understand English. Just an idea.

Sabilon

Step 8 Agony

Long Time No See!

Hi, I am Sabilon, I am a compulsive overeater.

I am back, determined to keep my blog alive and kicking!

As you see from the title, I am currently in 'step 8 agony'. It has never felt that uncomfortable, that frightening before!

I am working with a new sponsor, and I feel she is pushing me through the steps. I have no idea whether that is a good or a bad thing. So I decided to just share my feelings here, and maybe someone will give me some feedback, maybe about their own experience...e.g.

This sponsor suggested that I put every person/institution etc. that is on my step 4 on my step 8 list. It is shocking! There are people I have envied or I have been felt disliked by, but I am not aware of having done anything to them, and the suggestion is that I make amends to them, tell them that I have been 'selfish and self-centred' in my relationship with them! I am cringing as I look at their names!

While I spoke to a mate in another fellowship this morning and shared about this I suddenly felt some willingness creep in - miraculously -, and I have written three amend letters and posted them (letters, because those people are abroad). I suddenly felt very happy to write them. But when I had posted them I freaked out about the one to my brother. I have made amends to him before, and this may just infuriate and disturb him and make our relationship worse!

I have thoughts of just giving up the sponsor and being without sponsor!

Would love to read your comments.

"If nothing changes nothing changes!"

My sponsor keeps saying this, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I have changed something, and do you know what, it has had a very positive effect: I feel more relaxed and have been given easy abstinence in these past two days. What have I changed? I have given up my lengthy morning 'spiritual' routine. I used to (ideally, I have to admit, didn't always make it all) go through the first three steps, say my own step 3 prayer, the Big Book step 3 prayer, sometimes also step 7 prayer, ask my HP for a food plan, write it down, read in 'Voices of Recovery, do three pages of flow-writing, meditate a bit, on perfect days some yoga and another spiritual practise, my gratitude list, and maybe I have forgotten something now. It took ages, and it kept me at home too long in the mornings. Basically, it did not serve me, and my heart wasn't even in it.

I have now given it up. I do what comes to mind and when it comes to mind. Last night I had about an hour with my Higher Power. I listened to belly dance music (mainly drumming), was sitting on my couch and moved a bit to it. I was moved to tears by the music's beauty. I felt totally connected. I started praying for other people, God willing. I felt blessed. I remembered some things I was grateful for. I felt nurtured.

I used to think 'if I do all these things my day and my food will be fine', and it didn't work. And I kept doing and thinking the same thing. Just like in my very active food addiction. If I do this or that with the food I'll be fine. Do you smell it: CONTROL! As if!!! As if it worked!

I keep asking for my food plan and write it down, and I say steps 1, 2 and 3 to remind myself. And then, whatever happens. This morning I felt like saying my own and the BB step 3 prayer and I did a short meditation - voluntarily, spontaneously.
I will now give myself another little HP session. I'll see what we'll do together.