This morning I started the day with an OA phone call (a friend called me),and while talking to her I noticed my attitude, my doubt in my Higher Power ("What are you in this world with all these horrible things happening?") etc. I also noticed that my morning routine is really a routine, a chore, nothing I love doing and that nurtures me. I sometimes do some flow-writing and really enjoy that (because I have not said to myself that I should do it), but recently I have not even given myself the time to do that because of the prayers, meditation, readings that I routinely do.
It needs to change! I need to find other, more personal ways to connect with my Higher Power.

I do these routine things almost like a way of trying to control: 'If I do all this my day will be good, my food will be clean etc....' But it doesn't work that way anyway.

I am yearning for a real connection with my Higher Power! I have experienced it many times, and it has always been very enjoyable, not a chore, and often it happens unplanned...

This weekend I will travel to an OA weekend retreat on 'Spirituality'. Maybe that will bring inspiration. I need it! Am grateful for any comments.

Loving myself

Oh, how amazing, I gathered 3 followers, had only been aware of one! I hope you are still checking my blog from time to time.

Am sitting up at 2.30am, could not sleep. When I was a child I could not sleep well and had nightmares when I'd eaten heavy stuff in the evening, and this night I had that same experience. The nightmare, I created that in my own little head: suddenly it struck me, 'What if I'll get a heart attack? Maybe this night?' That had never occurred to me before. The reason for this self-created nightmare: I had a binge last night! Had eaten so well for days, focussed on being loving to myself through the way I feed myself. Loving not in the 'have a little piece of chocolate, darling' way but with nice and healthy meals. And then this! When it hits me it hits me out of the blue. I suddenly sat there and felt a craving and was aware that I had no willingness to make an outreach call. Instead, I got up and got a piece of .... and ... out of the fridge and ate it. And once I have started I have to eat as long as I have to.

Thank God I have been abstinent from sugar for a long time. I am very, very grateful for that. Sweet things do not talk to me anymore. At least not most of the time.

If you read this, please say a little prayer for me. I need it! I pray that I may connect with others more re. my food! That I may ring an OA member or my sponsor when I feel cravings. I cannot do it alone.

Self-love

The alarm clock went at 7am. I hit the button, off. Must've forgotten to reset it for 8am. Woke up at 9.15am!

Felt intense anger with myself! Self-hatred! If I were a child and had a parent who felt like this about me I'd be very unhappy!!! I'd be very disturbed, indeed!

I am grateful that I noticed how I hated myself!

I started talking to myself, to the child in me. I said to her, "Everything is well!" I made her a cup of tea, I stroked her arms, I assured her that she is loved.

No wonder that I am struggling with my food right now and again and again, with that amount of self-hatred in me!

Who would want to be treated like that! Wouldn't you be disturbed?

Higher Power, please help me!

Physical allergy

After so many years in recovery I can still ignore everything I have painfully learned:

I know that I can't eat Chinese food, that it makes me, if not today then tomorrow, struggle with food. A very dear member of my writers' group was there for the last time today (the emotional component of the drama enfolding). After the session someone suggested spontaneously to go to a Chinese restaurant together.

I said, "I can't do Chinese food, but I can have a cup of green tea with you." On the very short way to the place to eat my mind just went. I dismissed my sandwich that was being carried around in my rucksack. I would just eat with them, I'd be alright. This time I'd be alright.

I ate, and during the meal and afterwards I felt totally oversugared. The sweet taste was sitting on my tongue! I didn't even like the meal, but the company was fantastic! We had lots of fun. But I should've stuck to tea and eaten my lovely hummus and roasted veg sandwich, home-made, afterwards.

After this sugar shock I thought I was fine! However, just off the bus at home I needed to do some planned shopping. In the shop I added raspberries, a pot of double cream and a cheese-bread-stick to regular shopping, to the bananas, broccoli etc.

Of course there was no way that I'd call another OA member or even my sponsor. The minute I've made that kind of crazy purchase, I am off.

I ate the lot at home, tasteless raspberries with cream (don't try it, it's horrible!) and the bread stick with lots of butter.

I just hope and pray that this is it!

I do need to take my physical allergy to sugar seriously!!!

A sane curfew - one of my private tools of recovery

This is crazy: I want to say that one essential part of my recovery is going to bed on time. That is not crazy in itself, but the crazy bit is that I am writing this as I am 25 mins beyond my personal 'curfew'! (With 'going to bed' I mean: retiring to bathroom and bedroom and getting myself ready for the night).

I have been struggling with going to bed on time and getting up early in the past few days! And, boy, does it affect my sanity! Going to bed on time means also being ready to sleep, tucked up in bed, and taking a moment to connect with my Higher Power. Getting up early in the morning, about 7am, is my ideal, means that I have time to do my programme work, readings, prayer, food planning, a quick meditation.

Most of the time I am preventing myself from using this wonderful tool by watching TV, doing my e-mails, checking Facebook and, as right now, writing my blog.

And when I don't stick to these things that are good for me I give myself a hard time! This morning I got up really late, past 9am; only had a late appointment and was very tired, had not slept well. But because of the lack of spare time I only managed to do a quick food plan, that was it.

The other thing is that I get depressed when I get up too late. I think anything after getting up at 8am is really not good for my emotional wellbeing. Had an awful day today until I went to the park after my appointment and sat in the sun and walked.

Am grateful that the depressed state did not lead to eating more today!

Abstinent dinner

Hi, I am S., I am a compulsive overeater.

I thought I'd go 'public', in case I can help anyone, maybe create a forum of people who'd like to comment and learn from each other?

I have been in recovery for a long time: In the summer it'll be 25 years. I joined Overeaters Anonymous in 1985 in Munich, Germany. Since 1991 I have been a member in London, UK.

My recovery has been a rocky path at times, but at the moment I am crossing a valley full of fruit trees - reaping the fruits of my perseverance and work.

Not that it is easy all the time! Tonight I was having my dinner, sitting at the table, and I wanted to read something that I'd put next to my place mat. I had a quick look through it and decided then that this is not what recovery should be like. I am meant to 'eat like a lady', be present to my food. I had a lovely meal of couscous, falafel with a bit of yoghurt on the side and stir-fried carrot, leek and tomato, followed by some pieces of fresh pineapple, again with some yoghurt.

Nowadays I ask my Higher Power (a Power greater than myself, the God of my understanding, in my case a loving force that always wants my best and supports me in everything) to guide my hand when I put the food into a pan or onto my plate. Measuring and weighing ended up me using my plan of eating as a diet, my 'natural' tendency.

You could say, what, after 25 years in recovery she still has her struggles? Yes, at the moment I am focussing on behaviours around food. Wanting to read, watching the telly, not eating at the table, licking the lid of the yoghurt pot (that did not even occur to me today!), eating the end of a carrot that I have just grated etc. No, this is not finicky, it does matter: My experience is that the cleaner my food is the clearer my head and my boundaries. That is very evident to me.

I leave it at that for today. I will now take some quiet time, write my food diary and say a little prayer, and then it is off to bed. That is another thing I discovered: Going to bed on time really helps with my recovery, keeps me balanced and fit.

Am looking forward to my pre-heated bed and a few pages of reading.

S.