Wednesday, 2 March 2011

"If nothing changes nothing changes!"

My sponsor keeps saying this, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I have changed something, and do you know what, it has had a very positive effect: I feel more relaxed and have been given easy abstinence in these past two days. What have I changed? I have given up my lengthy morning 'spiritual' routine. I used to (ideally, I have to admit, didn't always make it all) go through the first three steps, say my own step 3 prayer, the Big Book step 3 prayer, sometimes also step 7 prayer, ask my HP for a food plan, write it down, read in 'Voices of Recovery, do three pages of flow-writing, meditate a bit, on perfect days some yoga and another spiritual practise, my gratitude list, and maybe I have forgotten something now. It took ages, and it kept me at home too long in the mornings. Basically, it did not serve me, and my heart wasn't even in it.

I have now given it up. I do what comes to mind and when it comes to mind. Last night I had about an hour with my Higher Power. I listened to belly dance music (mainly drumming), was sitting on my couch and moved a bit to it. I was moved to tears by the music's beauty. I felt totally connected. I started praying for other people, God willing. I felt blessed. I remembered some things I was grateful for. I felt nurtured.

I used to think 'if I do all these things my day and my food will be fine', and it didn't work. And I kept doing and thinking the same thing. Just like in my very active food addiction. If I do this or that with the food I'll be fine. Do you smell it: CONTROL! As if!!! As if it worked!

I keep asking for my food plan and write it down, and I say steps 1, 2 and 3 to remind myself. And then, whatever happens. This morning I felt like saying my own and the BB step 3 prayer and I did a short meditation - voluntarily, spontaneously.
I will now give myself another little HP session. I'll see what we'll do together.