Monday, 28 February 2011

This morning I started the day with an OA phone call (a friend called me),and while talking to her I noticed my attitude, my doubt in my Higher Power ("What are you in this world with all these horrible things happening?") etc. I also noticed that my morning routine is really a routine, a chore, nothing I love doing and that nurtures me. I sometimes do some flow-writing and really enjoy that (because I have not said to myself that I should do it), but recently I have not even given myself the time to do that because of the prayers, meditation, readings that I routinely do.
It needs to change! I need to find other, more personal ways to connect with my Higher Power.

I do these routine things almost like a way of trying to control: 'If I do all this my day will be good, my food will be clean etc....' But it doesn't work that way anyway.

I am yearning for a real connection with my Higher Power! I have experienced it many times, and it has always been very enjoyable, not a chore, and often it happens unplanned...

This weekend I will travel to an OA weekend retreat on 'Spirituality'. Maybe that will bring inspiration. I need it! Am grateful for any comments.

Friday, 25 February 2011

Today no shame!

Today was a better day.

And can you believe it: I went to have lunch with some of my yoga class friends after class; I often eat a salad (mixture of veg, protein and carbs), and as a main meal they have a medium and a large bowl. Self-service. Normally I end up with the large bowl, of course, being a compulsive overeater, and I know that it is wrong because I am ashamed with that kind of meal in front of me.

Last time I went I managed to not fill it to the rim.

But today I chose the medium bowl, it seemed totally normal and kept me going until the next meal, no prob. And dinner was abstinent, too; I had my planned meal, kept it simple. I felt that I was being carried...

Shame is always a clear indicator for me that something is not right with my meal!

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Talking to myself?

How odd, I have just written a new post and thought it was published, and it has disappeared! That is technology for you.

Just want to give a little sign that I am still here... have not gone anywhere.

Greetings to anyone who reads this!

Hi from me!

Nite, nite (it is late in this part of the world). Am really, really tired! I did not stop my lunch when I should've stopped it, my prayers did not help. And from then on have been extremely exhausted. Dinner with a friend was abstinent.

Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Loving myself

Oh, how amazing, I gathered 3 followers, had only been aware of one! I hope you are still checking my blog from time to time.

Am sitting up at 2.30am, could not sleep. When I was a child I could not sleep well and had nightmares when I'd eaten heavy stuff in the evening, and this night I had that same experience. The nightmare, I created that in my own little head: suddenly it struck me, 'What if I'll get a heart attack? Maybe this night?' That had never occurred to me before. The reason for this self-created nightmare: I had a binge last night! Had eaten so well for days, focussed on being loving to myself through the way I feed myself. Loving not in the 'have a little piece of chocolate, darling' way but with nice and healthy meals. And then this! When it hits me it hits me out of the blue. I suddenly sat there and felt a craving and was aware that I had no willingness to make an outreach call. Instead, I got up and got a piece of .... and ... out of the fridge and ate it. And once I have started I have to eat as long as I have to.

Thank God I have been abstinent from sugar for a long time. I am very, very grateful for that. Sweet things do not talk to me anymore. At least not most of the time.

If you read this, please say a little prayer for me. I need it! I pray that I may connect with others more re. my food! That I may ring an OA member or my sponsor when I feel cravings. I cannot do it alone.