Technophobe is struggling...

Hi All,

I am struggling with this blog! I am not allowed to comment on comments anymore. Sorry about that. Does anyone know why that is or what I can do?

Jimee, if you are looking for help from Overeaters Anonymous, their main website is www.oa.org . There you find all the meetings and a lot of other inspirational help.

Lots of love to my followers!

Sabilon

Reply to Jahir's comment

Hi, Jahir, have to reply in a post bec. of technology problems.

Am glad that you find some of the things in my blog helpful.

Here is my reply to your comment:

Hi Jahir, Am not aware of English group in Munich. But there is the English Language Service Board that covers the German-speaking countries. Their e-mail is oar9elsb@yahoo.com . I hope they can find something for you. When I went to OA in Munich many years ago we'd sometimes have foreign visitors who asked whether they could share in English. Many Germans understand English. Just an idea.

Sabilon

Step 8 Agony

Long Time No See!

Hi, I am Sabilon, I am a compulsive overeater.

I am back, determined to keep my blog alive and kicking!

As you see from the title, I am currently in 'step 8 agony'. It has never felt that uncomfortable, that frightening before!

I am working with a new sponsor, and I feel she is pushing me through the steps. I have no idea whether that is a good or a bad thing. So I decided to just share my feelings here, and maybe someone will give me some feedback, maybe about their own experience...e.g.

This sponsor suggested that I put every person/institution etc. that is on my step 4 on my step 8 list. It is shocking! There are people I have envied or I have been felt disliked by, but I am not aware of having done anything to them, and the suggestion is that I make amends to them, tell them that I have been 'selfish and self-centred' in my relationship with them! I am cringing as I look at their names!

While I spoke to a mate in another fellowship this morning and shared about this I suddenly felt some willingness creep in - miraculously -, and I have written three amend letters and posted them (letters, because those people are abroad). I suddenly felt very happy to write them. But when I had posted them I freaked out about the one to my brother. I have made amends to him before, and this may just infuriate and disturb him and make our relationship worse!

I have thoughts of just giving up the sponsor and being without sponsor!

Would love to read your comments.

"If nothing changes nothing changes!"

My sponsor keeps saying this, "If nothing changes, nothing changes." I have changed something, and do you know what, it has had a very positive effect: I feel more relaxed and have been given easy abstinence in these past two days. What have I changed? I have given up my lengthy morning 'spiritual' routine. I used to (ideally, I have to admit, didn't always make it all) go through the first three steps, say my own step 3 prayer, the Big Book step 3 prayer, sometimes also step 7 prayer, ask my HP for a food plan, write it down, read in 'Voices of Recovery, do three pages of flow-writing, meditate a bit, on perfect days some yoga and another spiritual practise, my gratitude list, and maybe I have forgotten something now. It took ages, and it kept me at home too long in the mornings. Basically, it did not serve me, and my heart wasn't even in it.

I have now given it up. I do what comes to mind and when it comes to mind. Last night I had about an hour with my Higher Power. I listened to belly dance music (mainly drumming), was sitting on my couch and moved a bit to it. I was moved to tears by the music's beauty. I felt totally connected. I started praying for other people, God willing. I felt blessed. I remembered some things I was grateful for. I felt nurtured.

I used to think 'if I do all these things my day and my food will be fine', and it didn't work. And I kept doing and thinking the same thing. Just like in my very active food addiction. If I do this or that with the food I'll be fine. Do you smell it: CONTROL! As if!!! As if it worked!

I keep asking for my food plan and write it down, and I say steps 1, 2 and 3 to remind myself. And then, whatever happens. This morning I felt like saying my own and the BB step 3 prayer and I did a short meditation - voluntarily, spontaneously.
I will now give myself another little HP session. I'll see what we'll do together.

This morning I started the day with an OA phone call (a friend called me),and while talking to her I noticed my attitude, my doubt in my Higher Power ("What are you in this world with all these horrible things happening?") etc. I also noticed that my morning routine is really a routine, a chore, nothing I love doing and that nurtures me. I sometimes do some flow-writing and really enjoy that (because I have not said to myself that I should do it), but recently I have not even given myself the time to do that because of the prayers, meditation, readings that I routinely do.
It needs to change! I need to find other, more personal ways to connect with my Higher Power.

I do these routine things almost like a way of trying to control: 'If I do all this my day will be good, my food will be clean etc....' But it doesn't work that way anyway.

I am yearning for a real connection with my Higher Power! I have experienced it many times, and it has always been very enjoyable, not a chore, and often it happens unplanned...

This weekend I will travel to an OA weekend retreat on 'Spirituality'. Maybe that will bring inspiration. I need it! Am grateful for any comments.

Today no shame!

Today was a better day.

And can you believe it: I went to have lunch with some of my yoga class friends after class; I often eat a salad (mixture of veg, protein and carbs), and as a main meal they have a medium and a large bowl. Self-service. Normally I end up with the large bowl, of course, being a compulsive overeater, and I know that it is wrong because I am ashamed with that kind of meal in front of me.

Last time I went I managed to not fill it to the rim.

But today I chose the medium bowl, it seemed totally normal and kept me going until the next meal, no prob. And dinner was abstinent, too; I had my planned meal, kept it simple. I felt that I was being carried...

Shame is always a clear indicator for me that something is not right with my meal!

Talking to myself?

How odd, I have just written a new post and thought it was published, and it has disappeared! That is technology for you.

Just want to give a little sign that I am still here... have not gone anywhere.

Greetings to anyone who reads this!

Hi from me!

Nite, nite (it is late in this part of the world). Am really, really tired! I did not stop my lunch when I should've stopped it, my prayers did not help. And from then on have been extremely exhausted. Dinner with a friend was abstinent.

S.

Loving myself

Oh, how amazing, I gathered 3 followers, had only been aware of one! I hope you are still checking my blog from time to time.

Am sitting up at 2.30am, could not sleep. When I was a child I could not sleep well and had nightmares when I'd eaten heavy stuff in the evening, and this night I had that same experience. The nightmare, I created that in my own little head: suddenly it struck me, 'What if I'll get a heart attack? Maybe this night?' That had never occurred to me before. The reason for this self-created nightmare: I had a binge last night! Had eaten so well for days, focussed on being loving to myself through the way I feed myself. Loving not in the 'have a little piece of chocolate, darling' way but with nice and healthy meals. And then this! When it hits me it hits me out of the blue. I suddenly sat there and felt a craving and was aware that I had no willingness to make an outreach call. Instead, I got up and got a piece of .... and ... out of the fridge and ate it. And once I have started I have to eat as long as I have to.

Thank God I have been abstinent from sugar for a long time. I am very, very grateful for that. Sweet things do not talk to me anymore. At least not most of the time.

If you read this, please say a little prayer for me. I need it! I pray that I may connect with others more re. my food! That I may ring an OA member or my sponsor when I feel cravings. I cannot do it alone.