Here I am, sitting at my computer, feeling fat. I AM fat, or am I not? The truth is that I do not know. I honestly do not know.
The problem is, I have been slipping from time to time over the past few months, and I also have a total block regarding exercise! It is unbelievable! Anything that I resolve to do for myself I can't do! I can't eat at the table, instead balance full plates on my knees in front of the telly. Even my prayer that I may eat like a lady, at the table, is not honest. I am saying to my Higher Power, 'but let me please have breakfast in front of the telly, at least this morning', and then I end up eating other meals there, too.
I have never, ever in my life had a 'crap meal', a binge eg. while eating at the table!
But whenever I focus on something, the rebel in me raises her head, and I can't do it! I am powerless!
Hi Sabilon!
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting on my blog. Yes, I am "back," and I'm so grateful. I have 60 days of abstinence today, and I feel so great! I have really been enjoying the online OA community! Do you have a Twitter account? It's great for quick feedback and outreach/support.
Hope you'll keep blogging and stay in touch!
Charlie
PS - Looking forward to the 19th! :)
Why are you looking forward to the 19th? (of course I think I know why, but would like to bring that up). I try to not give the weight I see on the 19th more meaning than being a reality check. It does not say anything about me, and, as I said, I can even feel horribly fat, like a monster, when the weight is still the same. But I understand, of course, that it is great to have lost weight.
ReplyDeleteI have had a few wobbly food days. Thank God today has been totally clean. I think the reason for that is that I 'took my medicine' = was honest to my sponsor about it. Honesty is my medicine.
Before I rang her this morning I'd been out to go to an event, and as I was on the way to the Underground I suddenly felt extremely fat and was very aware of my belly (that is not THAT big!). I had to go into a shop to look for a new top to disguise my belly! I thought everyone is looking at my belly!!! In the end I only bought a black vest to conceal that area of my body under my regular top, but after I'd talked to my sponsor and been honest about my food I did not remember my belly once, all day!!!
Am not on Twitter. Am trying to keep my life as simple as possible, but it isn't simple at all!
Need to open up more to people here in OA, to my sponsor and people from my meetings. I am not even aware how I am not open about certain things that really bug me! My sponsor points it out to me.
Lovely to have your comment! It is horrible to think I am 'talking to myself!'
S.