Loving myself

Oh, how amazing, I gathered 3 followers, had only been aware of one! I hope you are still checking my blog from time to time.

Am sitting up at 2.30am, could not sleep. When I was a child I could not sleep well and had nightmares when I'd eaten heavy stuff in the evening, and this night I had that same experience. The nightmare, I created that in my own little head: suddenly it struck me, 'What if I'll get a heart attack? Maybe this night?' That had never occurred to me before. The reason for this self-created nightmare: I had a binge last night! Had eaten so well for days, focussed on being loving to myself through the way I feed myself. Loving not in the 'have a little piece of chocolate, darling' way but with nice and healthy meals. And then this! When it hits me it hits me out of the blue. I suddenly sat there and felt a craving and was aware that I had no willingness to make an outreach call. Instead, I got up and got a piece of .... and ... out of the fridge and ate it. And once I have started I have to eat as long as I have to.

Thank God I have been abstinent from sugar for a long time. I am very, very grateful for that. Sweet things do not talk to me anymore. At least not most of the time.

If you read this, please say a little prayer for me. I need it! I pray that I may connect with others more re. my food! That I may ring an OA member or my sponsor when I feel cravings. I cannot do it alone.

DAILY!

Hm, am obviously talking to myself again. So be it then!

Had a session with my sponsor. We re-read steps 10 and 11. So hard for me to keep up the spiritual life!

Will go to bed now that I can be up on time tomorrow...

Self-love

The alarm clock went at 7am. I hit the button, off. Must've forgotten to reset it for 8am. Woke up at 9.15am!

Felt intense anger with myself! Self-hatred! If I were a child and had a parent who felt like this about me I'd be very unhappy!!! I'd be very disturbed, indeed!

I am grateful that I noticed how I hated myself!

I started talking to myself, to the child in me. I said to her, "Everything is well!" I made her a cup of tea, I stroked her arms, I assured her that she is loved.

No wonder that I am struggling with my food right now and again and again, with that amount of self-hatred in me!

Who would want to be treated like that! Wouldn't you be disturbed?

Higher Power, please help me!

Physical allergy

After so many years in recovery I can still ignore everything I have painfully learned:

I know that I can't eat Chinese food, that it makes me, if not today then tomorrow, struggle with food. A very dear member of my writers' group was there for the last time today (the emotional component of the drama enfolding). After the session someone suggested spontaneously to go to a Chinese restaurant together.

I said, "I can't do Chinese food, but I can have a cup of green tea with you." On the very short way to the place to eat my mind just went. I dismissed my sandwich that was being carried around in my rucksack. I would just eat with them, I'd be alright. This time I'd be alright.

I ate, and during the meal and afterwards I felt totally oversugared. The sweet taste was sitting on my tongue! I didn't even like the meal, but the company was fantastic! We had lots of fun. But I should've stuck to tea and eaten my lovely hummus and roasted veg sandwich, home-made, afterwards.

After this sugar shock I thought I was fine! However, just off the bus at home I needed to do some planned shopping. In the shop I added raspberries, a pot of double cream and a cheese-bread-stick to regular shopping, to the bananas, broccoli etc.

Of course there was no way that I'd call another OA member or even my sponsor. The minute I've made that kind of crazy purchase, I am off.

I ate the lot at home, tasteless raspberries with cream (don't try it, it's horrible!) and the bread stick with lots of butter.

I just hope and pray that this is it!

I do need to take my physical allergy to sugar seriously!!!

A sane curfew - one of my private tools of recovery

This is crazy: I want to say that one essential part of my recovery is going to bed on time. That is not crazy in itself, but the crazy bit is that I am writing this as I am 25 mins beyond my personal 'curfew'! (With 'going to bed' I mean: retiring to bathroom and bedroom and getting myself ready for the night).

I have been struggling with going to bed on time and getting up early in the past few days! And, boy, does it affect my sanity! Going to bed on time means also being ready to sleep, tucked up in bed, and taking a moment to connect with my Higher Power. Getting up early in the morning, about 7am, is my ideal, means that I have time to do my programme work, readings, prayer, food planning, a quick meditation.

Most of the time I am preventing myself from using this wonderful tool by watching TV, doing my e-mails, checking Facebook and, as right now, writing my blog.

And when I don't stick to these things that are good for me I give myself a hard time! This morning I got up really late, past 9am; only had a late appointment and was very tired, had not slept well. But because of the lack of spare time I only managed to do a quick food plan, that was it.

The other thing is that I get depressed when I get up too late. I think anything after getting up at 8am is really not good for my emotional wellbeing. Had an awful day today until I went to the park after my appointment and sat in the sun and walked.

Am grateful that the depressed state did not lead to eating more today!

Eating like a lady

Here I am, sitting at my computer, feeling fat. I AM fat, or am I not? The truth is that I do not know. I honestly do not know.

The problem is, I have been slipping from time to time over the past few months, and I also have a total block regarding exercise! It is unbelievable! Anything that I resolve to do for myself I can't do! I can't eat at the table, instead balance full plates on my knees in front of the telly. Even my prayer that I may eat like a lady, at the table, is not honest. I am saying to my Higher Power, 'but let me please have breakfast in front of the telly, at least this morning', and then I end up eating other meals there, too.

I have never, ever in my life had a 'crap meal', a binge eg. while eating at the table!

But whenever I focus on something, the rebel in me raises her head, and I can't do it! I am powerless!

Wanting to 'treat' a cold with a takeaway...

I have a cold, sore throat and runny nose. On my way home last night I felt exhausted and unwell, and you may identify with the thoughts that were going through my head: 'You can have an Indian takeaway, you don't have to bother with cooking your planned meal, just take it easy.' The illness speaking. I am saying that because for me it is very, very dodgy to make sudden food decisions like this. The ugly truth is that I just wanted a warm, very full belly, and NOW!

Yes, it might have burnt some germs in my throat, but it might also have blown my very stable abstinence away. Thank God I remembered that my food sponsor has warned me against having takeaways on my own, not in a situation where having it would serve social purposes and life. So I dragged myself home and cooked my own meal, and it was fine, I enjoyed it.

Viva la Abstinenzia!